Category: Recovering Perfectionists

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What My Granddaughter is Teaching Me

Joanne reflects on the wisdom of her three year old granddaughter.

Penny in her summer style.

Life lately has been a bit different. My son John, daughter in law Jessica, and my three year old granddaughter Penny have temporarily come to live with us. After selling their house in the East End of Pittsburgh, they are here until the process of buying their next home is complete.

Of course, when two families merge and share one full bathroom, it’s a bit challenging. But the fulfilling parts of being together far outweigh the minor inconveniences.

John and Jess love to cook whereas Jim and I, after years of it, could honestly care less. Previously resigned to simple meals, we now eat gourmet dinners practically every night. Wonderful fried fish, marinated chicken kebobs, pork medallions, creative vegetables, and delicious burgers. It’s truly been wonderful.

But the true bonus of living together is the joy of Penny. It is almost like experiencing my grandson and daughter (who lived with us for many years) all over again. Yes, at my age there are trying moments. There’s less alone time, more noise, endless toys. However the treasure of so much “small child” time is truly priceless.

For the first couple of weeks after their arrival, Penny and I would be up before anyone else. We’d take my coffee and her milk outside and watch the sun come up. We’d sit there, leaning against each other, and do very little. I figured she was tired so sometimes we didn’t even talk. Penny had witnessed weeks of packing and piles of boxes. Sometimes we just sat on the front porch, floating in a swing I had previously, barely used. Each of us with frosty bowls of strawberry ice cream, the joy of these moments is indescribable.

Penny has reminded me of the wisdom that nothing is really that important. She likes to take her time- what’s the rush after all?- and languish by dancing, singing, or talking to Jordan, our pet. Penny makes us all slow down. Discoveries can be made daily and she has marveled over the simplest things- butterflies, ants, flowers, bees, and birds.

I’m grateful for this time with my granddaughter that may never come again. If I’m feeling a moment of impatience, I only need to think of what it will be like when Penny has moved into her new house. That brings me back to the place I need to be.

“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” 
― Anne Lamott

Join me at my first signature event- Refill Your Cup! I’m so excited to gather with such a great group of speakers and vendors, to encourage rest and relaxation. Here’s the LINK.

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Take a Vacation

My mom and the three of us, Me (L), Mary (Front), Cally (Right)

It is early in the morning as I am writing this. The view from my window is amazing. White sand, bright blue lifeguard stand, and people already walking on the beach. I am into the second week of a two week vacation, here with my family in beautiful Siesta Key, Florida.

I am 61 years young and this is only the second time in my life that I can remember having a two week vacation. The first was a trip to Greece, 11 years ago. I never thought it would be this long that I haven’t returned. I hope Greece is next on the list of two week vacations.

What does it feel like to take two weeks off? First, it feels self indulgent and I’m definitely not used to that. Then there’s a bit of guilt. My husband isn’t here, my sister in law is feeding the dog and watering my plants, and I miss my family. But, at the same time, there are twenty family members here, coming and going at any given time, and the closeness and comfort of that is simply grounding.

Beautiful Siesta Key Beach

When I turned 50, I wondered how I would get through the next decade of work and responsibilities. I was burned out, tired of pushing myself and yet, there was more pushing to do. I survived it and now I am fast approaching the time that I hope to do more of this.

If you’ve never had a two week vacation, I encourage you to do so. I bet you have the PTO (Paid Time Off) but you procrastinate it away. You tell yourself things like, “I’m so busy, I can’t take that much time” or “I don’t have the funds”, but I bet you could figure it out if you gave yourself permission. There are lots of ways to find a time and place to relax. You have to tell yourself that you’re really worth it.

Isn’t it all about that in the end? We can’t allow ourselves the judgment of what others will think, or say, when we announce that we’re leaving. Or we think what would I do with all that time? I’m one of those that have a hard time not having a list of things to do. But the health benefits of vacation time – both physical and mental- make it imperative that we do this for ourselves from time to time.

I wrote a post a while ago about taking a vacation and I think some of my readers scheduled one afterwards. Here’s hoping that this post inspires you to take the time to schedule that PTO (that you’re going to lose if you don’t use it). If you need a travel companion, give me a call.

PS. Even one week is beneficial. If you can’t do two weeks, at least go for one.

Celebrating my mother’s upcoming 90th birthday, together.
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Winter

Asa Rodger

It’s chilly here and there is snow on the ground. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the supply store for sunflower seeds, mindful of my seasonal duty to the local feathered friends. Every year, about this time, I begin the daily chore of loading up my bird feeder. It is a small price to pay to see the cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, and other birds that visit me all winter. The sight of them cheers me. This year I bought a double sided suet feeder and the woodpeckers really love it.

Carol Carpenter

Jim usually orders dried corn for the deer. Years ago, when we first met, he was a hunter and fisherman. He still fishes occasionally but since our daughter was born, he hasn’t had the desire to hunt. Frankly I’m grateful. I don’t give anyone a lecture who hunts but I love deer and I will tell you why.

Years ago I went through a transition of sorts. If you have read my book, I needed a bit of help to get through a difficult period. In my darkest moments, I would go outside and there would be a deer in my back yard. Sometimes it was a stag, other times it was a doe or even a yearling.

After multiple sightings, I started to think this was a sign of the presence of God. How else could I explain that there was a deer every time I felt darkness? Often times the animal would look straight at me. I wasn’t afraid; I felt it was there for me, reassuring that all would be fine.

Over a period now of twenty years, I still consider deer to be a sign of the divine. Just a few days ago I marked the two year passing of a close friend. I remember the day he left this world like it was yesterday. He had been very sick and the C word was making its way with his liver.

I arrived home late one afternoon, in early December, and three deer were eating the leftover remnants of my summer garden. As I drove up the driveway, they were only a few yards away from me. Out loud I said, Something’s up. And they didn’t leave when they saw me. They merely stopped eating for a second, looked at me, then went back to their dinner.

A matter of one hour later and I get a bug in my ear and try to call my friend. I was pretty sure he was in the hospital. The call went straight to voice mail. The next morning I received the news. He had passed about two hours after I saw the three deer.

I cried a bit at the memorial when I saw pictures of my friend, flashed on a screen in health and sickness. In some of the photos, he was full of life. As the montage proceeded, you could see the toll the disease had taken. It was evident. I had not realized how fast it had happened.

Forward fast to a couple of months ago and I have another worrisome thought going and I swear this time I asked God to send me a deer sign. I drove up the back road to my mom’s house, often a treasure trove of deer reassurance, and nothing. I breathed a big sigh and thought ok, I’m on my own with this one.

Eventually, I came to terms with my worry having finally figured out that it was ludicrous (yes, I actually used that word in my head) and I should let it go. Finally, two days later I go to see my granddaughter and two minutes before her house, there is a small herd of deer (not one, but probably 8 or so), on the road, literally looking at me through my car windshield, only a few feet away.

I half expected them to come up to me and say something like, You are nuts, You worry too much. But they seemed overly concerned with how to get back into the field as there was a long, large fence (this is protecting a cemetery) and obviously this was their priority. 

As the herd walked past me, I thought of God and how He always delivers. He never lets me down. He is there for me.

Will Boldingh

Thank you to unsplash for their beautiful photography.

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It Starts with Us

Mingjun Liu

I live in Pittsburgh and if you follow the news, we had a horrific incident this past weekend. Without going into detail, I’ll let you click this link if you don’t already know.

I am a Christian and worked in a reform congregation, in the heart of Oakland, for five years. During that time, I detailed all of the events including weddings, baby namings, bar and bat mitzvahs, holiday services and gatherings.

I have a great love for the Jewish community and the lessons they taught me. They were kind and loving, hard working and devoted to their families and their synagogues.

So it is with a heavy sigh that I watched the events of the weekend unfold. My sister and cousin called me to express concern. I was teary over the Saturday night vigil in Squirrel Hill and watched the Sunday evening service at Soldiers and Sailors Memorial with a heavy heart. This coming together is the Pittsburgh I know and love.

Many of my friends are sharing views, videos, and compassion. Mr. Rogers lived in the neighborhood where the shooting occurred. His passionate videos about looking for the helpers have been played over and over. We are trying to recover from the shock. It will probably take a long time.

In allowing myself the time to “feel my feelings” so to speak, I am thinking of the children. I read that local children baked cookies and took them to the Pittsburgh police zone with a kind note. I loved hearing about that. Kidsburgh posted an article on how to talk to children about the tragedy.

I want to tell all children that light will cast out darkness. That if we hope for healing it will happen. If we continue to be kind to others, despite some unkind people, we can make the world a better place.

Believe it or not, we have the power to help shape the future by loving the world’s children. As I watch my granddaughter (almost 3 years old) grow and develop, I breathe a heavy sigh as I see the challenges (and opportunities) of shaping her attitudes, personality, and behavior.

I’ve said it before: children should be loved for who they are and not who we think they should be. And, our attitudes about race, color, and creed are imposed on them, whether we think so or not. Yes, the way we embrace and love others is noticed by our children. It starts with us. Children are not born with knowledge of hate. 

So when we are tempted to judge others and discriminate in front of our children, whether in word or deed, let us take a moment to catch ourselves, take a step back, and yes, show unconditional love to all.

“Once you learn to accept and love them for who they are, you subconsciously learn to love yourself unconditionally.”

— Yvonne Pierre

Willie Fineberg 

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Rebirth

Photo by Joshua Earle

What is spiritual adversity? I actually had to do a bit of research before I wrote this post. The word came up when I was looking for a quote for rebirth. Funny how looking for one thing leads you to another.

Have you ever been through something so difficult it rocks you to your core? I’m sure that while you are reading this you can think of more than one time in your life when you’ve been challenged. How did you get through it? If it is happening to you now, how are you coping?

When I went through spiritual adversity twenty years ago, I had very little tools. I relied upon myself. I didn’t want to bother other people. I kept my sadness to myself and isolated. Depression inched in and I felt as if I was down in a deep well.

Finally I knew I had to do something. I reached out for help and guess what, people helped me. They threw a rope down the well and pulled me out slowly. I started to see the light. The light was bright and shiny.

When I began my ascent, I was willing to talk to other people about how they had overcome adversity. They shared their own struggles, life lessons, and stories of renewal. They were a beacon of hope.

It became clear that people who relied on a power greater than themselves were the ones who were doing better in their struggles. If you prefer, you can go ahead and do it all by yourself. I tried that and it didn’t work. Heavenly power keeps me more centered, happier, and yes, healthier.

This spiritual adversity was the beginning of my new life. It gave me tools in my toolbox. I have used those tools many times since.

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Isiah 41:13

Special greetings to those celebrating Palm Sunday, Easter or Passover today. 

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Savor the Moments

My 60th birthday lunch!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season. Can you believe it is 2018? It’s here!

For the past several years I’ve treated myself to a Word of the Year.  Why? It’s a compass for guidance and motivation to study and work on myself. In the past I’ve chosen Joy, Believe, and Happiness for my words of the year.

How do I use the word? I simply keep it in my thoughts, meditations, and prayers. If I am faced with a challenging situation, I bring my word to mind and contemplate how I can use it to change my perspective. I always choose positive words (never negative), and you would not believe how a simple word can change a depressing problem into a spiritual opportunity. I choose books, readings, and podcasts that also help me study my wonderful word.

The last few weeks the word SAVOR has popped into my head over and over again. I looked up the definition and here’s what I found:

SAVOR: noun

1. The quality in a substance that affects the sense of taste or of smell.

2. A particular taste or smell.

3. Distinctive quality or property.

4. Power to excite or interest.

Source: Dictionary.com

I love the fourth definition! The Power to Excite or Interest. What do I intend to SAVOR, to be excited about? Well, many things! I want to savor time, tastes, and experiences. As a Greek American, I love wonderful food, especially if it is shared with family and friends.

I want to savor moments with my family, especially my grandchildren, as I know how precious these times really are. My wedding families give me the opportunity to savor, and this is not just about the cookie table! God has placed me in this position to make a difference in the lives of brides, grooms, their parents and guests. I’m there to keep the calm, take the stress off the day, and use my knowledge and gifts to oversee a day they will not forget.

I also want to be more mindful of how and what I eat. Healthier choices, less guilt, and more savoring are important to me. I’ve been conscious lately of slowing down and enjoying my food. This is hard for a busy person like me. I often eat with other things in mind (like what I have to do next!). I can also be an emotional eater (chocolate!) so I’m really trying to acknowledge my feelings when I’m stressed or worried.

It is coming up on five years that I left a full time position to help my mother. It’s hard to believe its been that long. Sometimes hard, always rewarding, I feel like I can finally breathe a bit better about the future and where I am going. This is not for everyone but I am glad I chose this route. There’s a book submission in my future and this is the topic I have chosen to write about- Caring for our Elderly Parents. If you are assisting an elderly parent(s) in any way, even if you are working part or full time, and have a story to share, I want to hear from you. Email me at joannejamiscain@gmail.com.

As you savor your New Year, I hope you take the time to make one positive change. Maybe choose your own word, start a gratitude journal, begin a three minute meditation practice, or start an exercise program. Touch base with me occasionally and let me know how you’re doing. I look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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A Letter to My Grandson

A few years ago, but us none the less!

Yesterday I was going through some office papers when I stumbled across a note that Jim wrote to Gavin last year. I was supposed to post it to my blog but somehow I completely forgot. (please forgive me Jim)

While Jim and I were on vacation last year, Gavin assumed most of the care of our home, including our 13 year old dog Jordan. During a shopping experience at the Nantucket whaling museum store, Jim picked a beautiful compass for Gavin as a gift. He gave it to him when we arrived home.

Without further ado, here is the letter Jim wrote to Gavin.

Compass: A tool often used to help with direction.

Dear Gavin,

While proving yourself this past week by taking care of the house, chickens, and the dog, I was thinking of myself when I was your age. I don’t think I would have done as good a job as you did. Most likely, I would have declined direction or refused the instructions offered to me, thinking that I knew better. Most of the time in my life, when I found myself lost, it was because I declined to use the tools and direction that were so freely given to me.

My hope is that if you use this compass to know the direction you’re starting in, you will always be able to find your way home. But please remember that it works best if you know where you are starting from.

Hopefully, with some Good Orderly Direction, you will never get lost. Always know that I love you.   Jim

PS. Clean up your room, stand up straight, and listen to you mom (lol)

When I found this yesterday it melted my heart. Gavin is going to be 17 this coming April. Hard to believe. It feels like yesterday that he was just a little guy.

Thank you Jim for helping me clean out my office and for writing this beautiful letter.

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Decluttering : It’s Just Stuff

Photo by Félix Prado on Unsplash

I grew up in a pretty clean house. My mom was an “at home” mother until I went to college and she loved a neat and tidy home. We were never made to run the sweeper, do dishes (back in the days before dishwashers), laundry, or anything like that. She said when we got older we’d have enough housework.

When I went away to college I needed to do laundry so I went to a coin operated laundromat. I was so spoiled I had to ask someone to show me how to use the washer. One day I left a new pair of Wrangler jeans washing in the New Ken laundromat and went back to my half duplex one block away. When I returned they were gone. Someone must have really wanted them if they took them soaking wet.

I don’t remember being really neat in college or when I lived, single, in my Winebiddle Street apartment afterwards. I hated going to bed with dirty dishes on the counter (still do) so I made sure they were done. I did live in an old, old house that had been converted into one room effficiencies. One day I came home and my Free Spirit 10 speed bicycle was in the window sunlight. I looked and it was encased in a giant, intricate spider web. I don’t remember what I did about that but I probably wiped it down.

Once my babies were born, I remember launching into clean mode. I spent way too much time worrying about how clean my house was. With my first, I went back to work. With my second, it no longer made sense to give day care my salary so I stayed home and became a plastics party queen. I loved a clean house back then even though I remember toys everywhere for a very long time.

Last night I went looking for a specific music CD and it was gone. So was my stack of probably 40-50 CD’s that were on a shelf in my guest bedroom closet. I had a flash of panic. My husband and daughter rented a dumpster about a month ago and cleaned out the house. I participated very little in this. I have been decluttering for at least four years, since I quit my full time job, and even before that so I felt very little need to join in.

The reality began to set in a minute later that my CD’s were GONE. I sent Jim a text in the hopes that he might know where they were. But I knew. Twenty years worth of music- Christmas, Greek, Rock and Roll- gone to a dumpster and a garbage dump somewhere. Good thing I had a couple of my favorites in the car.

Now if my husband threw these away, I don’t blame him. Yep, I don’t. Because I should have participated in this and honestly, he probably thought they were old CD’s of the kids that no one listened to anymore. In the process of looking through my closet (just in case they were in a box somewhere), I did find a treasure trove of children’s music that probably belonged to my grandson from 15 years ago. Those are going to Penny.

I will be sad for a couple of days but I will move on. Decluttering is a good feeling in the end. It is just stuff. I listen to music in the car occasionally, but most times I enjoy the quiet. I think I’ll be ok with that.

If you want to de-clutter and don’t know where to start, I recommend this book written by a friend. It’s awesome and will get you started. Restore Order, Restore Joy by Dorothy L. Clear. 

Is there a clutter area in your house? How does it bother or not bother you?

 

 

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Kindness Rocks

The Kindness Rocks Project

I was on a girl’s weekend with a few of my friends. We happened to be at Susquehanna University, a beautiful campus with lots of quiet and flowers. I wanted to stay in the shade and decided to walk under a line of trees to keep cool.

Turning a corner, I saw the large flat stones. It stopped me right in my tracks. Here’s what it said.

How fitting that this should be on a college campus. So many people of all ages probably go to this school, work and study hard, and sit among the trees on a gorgeous day. Maybe on a tough day they need to see this. Perhaps they pick up a rock and take it back to their room. It’s possible it will make their day a little brighter.

I decided to be needy and so I took a rock. It said, “You are Worth It.” I love it. I brought it home and placed it in the soil of my growing fig tree. I hope the tree will note this message and feel free to grow tall and strong. I did briefly wonder if I should not take a rock since I didn’t have one to leave. I don’t think this is the main purpose. I think the rocks are there for the taking.

I would have loved to be in the room when these were being painted. How did the painters decide what quotes to choose? There were some rocks with only one word on them. Others had more sayings. Since then, I’ve looked up the Kindness Rocks website and wow, there are so many more wonderful rocks!

I told my friend Ms. Child about the Kindness Rocks. She thought maybe she’d start one in her area. Lo and behold she went on the website and it turns out there is one near her! She’s excited about creating some rocks of her own and visiting the project. How cool is that? To find out if there is a Kindness Rocks project in your area, click HERE.

This is bigger than you think. Check out the video.

I love this wonderful idea. A landmark birthday is looming this year and I’ve already reached out to my township to ask them for an opportunity to start a Kindness Rocks project in my local park. If you live near me, let me know if you’ll come and paint with me.

PS. The Kindness Rocks website is full of information! Many gorgeous rocks and a downloadable “how to” on the best materials to use.

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Grace and Wellness

sunlight-through-the-fog-2

With the help of a good friend I am beginning a journey towards better self care. It’s not that I wasn’t good at it before but you know how it goes. Get busy, neglect sleep, eat poorly, and forget the exercise. The typical stuff of a mid life woman who tries to do too much.

I procrastinated about this wellness focus for months, waiting until my schedule finally cleared enough to give mental space (and energy) to the idea. My friend said to do this alittle at a time (thank God) and she sent me encouraging emails with her own health and wellness tips.

First up, a plant in my room. Sounds so simple but a plant provides oxygen and that can only be good. Second, I ordered a good book- Food Rules by Michael Pollan. I couldn’t resist skimming the first few chapters and wasn’t surprised. Eat more plants and don’t eat things that have more than five ingredients on the package. Right!

Of course it was a few days before Thanksgiving when I read this. I gave thought to what I was going to be eating on the holiday. Turkey, well, only one ingredient there. Baked yams and pineapple, pretty good.  Hawaiian rolls, probably not so good but delicious. Mashed potatoes made with Yukon golds, butter, and a little cream. I thought this really wasn’t so bad.

The pumpkin pie was made from a can that needed condensed milk and eggs. Mom made homemade crust with flour and crisco, a big no no I’m sure but heck, it’s the holiday right? Plus I am not going to tell mom not to make pie. 🙂

All in all, I would say I did not overeat on Thanksgiving. I felt fine afterwards. I cleaned up the kitchen and sealed up leftovers for the next day. No need to cook dinner tonight!

I think the hardest thing about health and wellness for me is putting myself first. Life is ongoing around my house. There are always things to do and some kind of agenda. Even though I no longer work full time, I have a million mundane things to do (laundry, housekeeping, dog, babysit Penny, help my mother). Prioritizing is key. The one gift of menopause has been the recognition that I can’t do it all. I don’t feel guilty saying no anymore. I’ve done the committees, the grunge work, the volunteering. It’s ok by me to say no.

Making an effort at better self care is good. Not feeling guilty about what I don’t accomplish is a challenge. Setting realistic expectations is the order of the day. The grace is in turning it over to the universe.

I hope you have a wonderful week! If you have any tips for self care, I’d love to hear them.

 

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